


Members only

by stinkyworms



Category: Beetlejuice - All Media Types, Beetlejuice - Perfect/Brown & King
Genre: Beetlejuice just wants to watch the sexy couple fuck, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Multi, Voyeurism, but it turns out the maitlands cant do dirty talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:55:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24743458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stinkyworms/pseuds/stinkyworms
Summary: Beetlejuice has been waiting months to be able to see the Maitlands get it on. But it turns out, Adam is really bad at dirty talk.This fic originated from a joke in a discord server. I was dared to do it. I'm sorry.
Relationships: Adam Maitland/Barbara Maitland, one sided Beetlejuice/Adam/Barbara
Comments: 9
Kudos: 64





	Members only

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this is one to re-member
> 
> Ressnie.tumblr.com did the hilarious art at the end of this horrific thing. Please go follow her cos shes great

For the most part, watching the Maitlands was pretty dull. Like sure, Beetlejuice was endlessly entertained by their ability to complain about the most bizarre stuff. Breathers were always obsessed with the mundane like that, and Beetlejuice loved it. Just yesterday, Barbara had griped _endlessly_ about some woman in the supermarket who had taken the last jar of lemon curd, and now her plans to make a lemon drizzle cake was ruined. And Adam, sweet, innocent Adam, had called the woman _selfish._ Selfish. Can you imagine? He really got her with that one.

But there was no _action._ Tonight was the millionth night of the Maitlands settling down to watch Netflix, with no side of chill. As usual, they were curled up on the couch together, and Beetlejuice was nestled in the armchair across from them, his legs up on the armrest. They were watching some cartoon Disney shit, and Beetlejuice was bored out of his mind. He had taken to just staring at the Maitlands instead, because at least watching Adam trying to be subtle about picking his nose while Babs lay unaware below him was more fun than whatever the cartoon baby deer on the screen was doing.

At one point, Barbara had turned around to kiss Adam, and for half a second, it looked like it might go somewhere. Beetlejuice sat up and clutched his knees as Adam deepened the kiss, his left hand moving to rest just under Barbara’s breasts. However, it was over as quickly as it had begun, and Beetlejuice sagged back into the armchair with a groan. He’d used up the last of his coke supply yesterday, and it’d be a while before he could source some more. He felt like he was going to die. Metaphorically, of course.

Eventually, of course, the boring movie ended, and Beetlejuice watched as Barbara checked the clock on the wall.

“Oh, it’s getting so late! We better start getting ready for bed,” She said.

It was 8:30pm on a Saturday.

Adam concurred with her, and the two started switching off lights, checking the front door was locked (for the fourth time today), and headed upstairs towards the master bedroom. Beetlejuice rubbed his eyes, debating whether to follow them. On one hand, they were likely to just go straight to sleep, like they did every night, so it didn’t seem worth the energy. On the other, Babs slept without a bra on.

Getting to see Barbara’s jugs evidently won out, and Beetlejuice pushed himself out of the armchair and floated up and through the ceiling into their bedroom. He expected to find Adam putting away the laundry load he had done earlier, and forgotten about, while Barbara brushed her teeth.

Instead, to Beetlejuice’s surprise, they were kissing.

It was the most vanilla kissing ever, there wasn’t even tongue involved. But after so long of _nothing,_ this was _something._ The Maitlands hadn’t so much as dry humped in the time Beetlejuice had been watching them. And if they were wanking, they must’ve been doing it at work, because he hadn’t seen _anything._

Adam moved his hand up and into Barbara’s hair, and pulled it back slightly, exposing her neck. Barbara made a small noise in the back of her throat, and it went straight to Beetlejuice’s cock. He looked down, because _come on, we are getting excited over this now?_

Beetlejuice didn’t want to hold his breath. Metaphorically, of course. They would probably settle down any second now, and go to sleep, and that would be that.

But Adam was nibbling down Barbara’s neck, and her hands were moving towards the button on his pants.

“We haven’t done this for so long,” Barbara said, sounding flustered.

“Yeah, no shit,” Beetlejuice replied, even though she couldn’t hear him.

Suddenly, it was like someone had turned the heat up on the two of them. Adam was rapidly shucking off his pants while Barbara pulled her dress up and over her head.

_Oh my god its happening._

Beetlejuice perched himself on the other side of the bed, so he could get a good view of everything. He was practically vibrating with excitement.

The Maitlands were taking off their underwear, and Beetlejuice could see that Adam was already pretty hard. He almost laughed, but his own neglected cock was also straining against his underwear. He moved a hand to rub at it over his pants, making circular motions as Adam lay Barbara down on the bed.

Adam got himself on top of her, leaning down so their chests were touching. One of Adam’s arms propped himself up, and the other moved so his hand was resting on Barbara’s right breast, his finger swirling over her nipple. They started kissing again, this time more passionately.

After a minute, Adam moved down Barbara’s body, planting kisses on her neck, then breast, then stomach, then the inside of her thigh. He used two fingers to part the lips of her labia, then moved in to swirl his tongue over her clit. Barbara closed her eyes and a whimper escaped her, which spurred Adam on to move his head forward, pressing his tongue down on her.

It also prompted Beetlejuice to start unbuttoning the front of his pants. He moved his hands down to free his cock from his underwear, stroking the shaft with his right hand. He bit his lip as he leaned over to get a better look at what Adam was doing.

After a minute, Barbara was already arching her back as she put one fist in her mouth to stop herself from making more noise. Beetlejuice wished she wouldn’t.

Adam moved a hand up to her hip to steady her, he pulled his head away and climbed back up her body to reach her face, where he sunk down to kiss her. Barbara moaned into his mouth as she tasted herself. Adam’s hips moved to rub his cock against her clit, now slick.

Adam broke the kiss to lean down next to her ear, licking his lips, and Beetlejuice immediately got excited. He _loved_ dirty talk. It was the closest thing he could get to being involved when being invisible and unable to join in hmself, because he could close his eyes and pretend it was being said to him. Beetlejuice shuffled on the bed to get closer to hear what Adam was about to say.

“Are you ready to take this member?” Adam asked, completely serious.

“ _WHAT_?” Beetlejuice practically screamed.

For the first time since he was banished, Beetlejuice was glad he was invisible. The sheer unsexy force of Adam’s question sent him careening backwards, off of the bed and sprawling out onto the floor. Beetlejuice felt like he couldn’t breathe. Metaphorically, of course. Like someone had knocked the air out of his lungs and they refused to fill back in. It physically hurt. 

That was the least erotic thing Beetlejuice had ever heard a human being say. In one seven word sentence, not only had Adam completely killed Beetlejuice’s boner, but the demon was unsure if he would ever be able to get one again.

Beetlejuice peeked his head over the edge of the bed to check on the couple because, surely, _surely,_ Barbara had to have had the same visceral reaction. There’s no way any person could hear the word _member_ said with a straight face, and be anywhere close to being in the mood to fuck.

Lo and behold, the Maitlands were going at it like rabbits. _It had worked._

Beetlejuice wished he had the power to strike them both dead in that moment. Let them both go to the Netherworld naked and ashamed, and have to explain themselves to the receptionist that the reason they were dead was because they were too unsexy. Beetlejuice had waited _months_ for this, and now he didn’t even want to look at them.

He floated back down through the floor to the darkened living room. He buttoned his pants back up, feeling embarrassed that this whole thing even occurred. He wasn’t going back into that bedroom, ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, I'm really truly sorry.


End file.
